I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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