I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
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For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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