I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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