I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
