chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i drank out of a bidet.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
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The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize