Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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