did i walk over a car last night?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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