I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
