there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
