this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
