Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
