Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
