I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
