Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
