My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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