and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
