We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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