Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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