Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
