A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So vagazzling was a success
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
