It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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