im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
