oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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