i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
