Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
