I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The uberlube is also flammable
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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