Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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