i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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