I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You may now shotgun with the bride
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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