The maid of honor just puked.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
