it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
