my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
