on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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