Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize