It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
