just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You ruined the universe
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
