I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
