DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
