i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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