Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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