I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
