His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
