You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
