when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
