recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
