i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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