I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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