When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
