guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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