Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
