I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
