I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
