Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
