Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
