Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
