I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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