remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
