somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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