I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
